An Open Letter to All Restaurant Owners
Do you know the number one reason most restaurants fail within their first year of business?
They deserve it, that’s why.
I know that sounds harsh but you have to understand that when we come into your establishments, it’s because we’re choosing to pay for a dining experience we can’t get at home. Our expectations aren’t high -all we desire is a decent meal, a little service and the peace of mind that comes from knowing we don’t have to drag the shopvac up from the basement to clean under our children’s chairs. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask, does it?
Apparently it is. Lately, I find the only way to get through a terrible dining experience is to imagine myself eating in one of the seaside cafes depicted in the expensive murals that cover the walls. Many’s the time I’ve “disappeared” into a charming Italian villa by the sea while waiting for my missing waiter to reappear with the bill.
But I’m not here to just complain about the state of the restaurant industry or to encourage greater use of murals that showcase charming seaside communities to stimulate daydreaming as a means of overcoming unpleasant customer service experiences, I want to help - particularly those entrepreneurs considering whether or not they have what it takes to open a new restaurant.
So here are ten helpful tips from a seasoned diner to make sure your restaurant lasts longer than a Whoopi Goldberg talk show.
1. Always greet people when they enter your restaurant. Customers love this because it reinforces their belief that they are actually alive and can still be seen by others.
2. Customers appreciate it when a waitperson tells them their first name when they approach the table. This makes it much easier to seek additional support when their waiter or waitress disappears without a trace. “Have you seen Lance? We’re still down three entrees and about to draw straws to determine who’s going to plaster his picture on telephone poles.”
3. Most people consider a dining experience to be a positive one when their entrees all come out at the same time. The only exception to this rule is when you serve customers who view unsynchronized meal delivery as a wagering opportunity.
4. While many waiters and waitresses are aspiring actors, encourage them to write down the specials if they can’t remember them. Seasoned diners can spot an improvised specials speech a mile away. “Our Ahi tuna is served piping hot in a reduced balsamic …um, seafood glaze with olives, anchovies and uh, a tiny medallion of tapioca pudding.”
5. Make sure the tables are set and never underestimate the feeling of comfort people derive from knowing that their eating utensils are all present and accounted for when they are first seated. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone missing a knife and a fork at a restaurant? Monosyllabic responses during normally lively conversations, eyes darting nervously about the room searching for someone, anyone to bring them utensils before the food arrives, muttered open ended questions with no easy answers like “Where is this guy?” One missing fork can spoil an entire evening and you haven’t even brought out the meal yet.
6. If you advertise your restaurant as a family restaurant it always helps if the staff pretends to actually like children. Parents with kids rarely return to a family themed restaurant if the owner uses a throat slashing gesture from behind the register to communicate that the use of crayons is frowned upon.
7. At this stage in our human existence, it is no longer necessary to include photographs of food as a means of describing them in a menu. People know what most dishes are supposed to look like and they never look like the dishes in the pictures anyway.
8. While food presentation is important, if a customer can’t decide whether to eat an entrée or have it framed - you probably shouldn’t be in the restaurant business.
9. A bill should never be delivered looking like a Jackson Pollack painting. If it’s not uncommon to see a group of customers hovering over a bill like a heart transplant team, confiscate the ink pens from your wait staff and exchange them for pencils or even a computer - they’re much less expensive now and often come bundled with encyclopedia software.
10. When someone requests water from a waitperson, actually bring them a glass. They love that.
Ten surefire tips for restaurant success. No charge, just a 15% gratuity which I took the liberty of adding when I assumed a party of six or more would be reading this. Hope I’m right.
John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a manufacturer of all occasion humorous greeting cards. He can be reached at johnhartnett@earlybirdpublishing.com.
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Filed under: Restaurant Industry Trends
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